Wolfish Inclinations
by Religion0
Summary: "It did have the pleasant side-effect that the citizens of Hyrule became less frightened of the Princess' tame wolf. Not that he liked being referred to as anyone's tame anything. Although he didn't mind the treats"/AU/One-shots/Overly dramatic title/
1. In Which Link has a Rough Time

**Hmm… SS OST is good chilling and writing music. I can't take myself seriously when I write slang. XD**

**Anyway, tanks to Snowsheba for letting me borrow the core idea for this. I do not own LoZ.**

Life had not been treating him well. Not for the longest time. First, he'd been orphaned at an early age, but not so early he didn't have a few clear memories of his parents and of the misery their death had brought. Then life had been okay for a while, after he'd recovered from the trauma, the entire village of Ordon had taken pity on him and decided to take care of him, find out what he was good at (anything physical, apparently), and chipped in to buy him Epona. But then everything had started to go bad again.

The kids, and Ilia, had been kidnapped and he'd been turned into a wolf, and met a strange little imp who insisted on riding on him, and he'd had to battle weird monsters in sewer with a chain around his _wrist_ in an utterly foreign place. The only upside was that he'd gotten to meet Princess Zelda, and that was only an upside because she was pretty and hadn't tried to ride him or demand that she get him out of there.

And then, when he finally turned human again, he had to save Hyrule, which meant he had to battle altogether too many monsters. Well, he was given a chance to just say "Screw this, I am _not_ saving the world for you! Find someone else!", but that wouldn't have been pretty, as he seriously doubted anyone would have stepped up. Besides, he just knew he could never look the villagers in the eyes again if he just abandoned the children like that.

Moving on, after just having the thought that, ah, he was nearly done saving the world, he got turned into a wolf for good and Midna nearly died! He'd become fond of the imp. And then Zelda (who was still very pretty and whom he was not going to call Princess) sacrificed herself to heal same imp.

How was he supposed to save a dissipated princess?

Then he became human again, which was great, and got a handsome new (holy old) sword. Then he killed some more monsters. Zelda came back (how the hell had Ganondorf suspended her body above the throne, he'd seen her disappear!) and helped in the final battle.

Then Midna went back to the Twilight Realm, which had been... painful, sad. After that, Zelda had asked him to put the Master Sword back where it belonged and figure out what he wanted to do next and keep in mind that she owed him a favour big time (her words, to his surprise). He'd done just that, quite happily, relieved to be free of the responsibility and trouble the Sword represented.

But that's when life started getting nasty. He'd barely taken three steps out of the Master Sword's resting place, when a familiar bone-shifting pain and darkened vision struck him. Next thing he knew, he stood on four paws, staring down the length of his muzzle.

The smart thing to do would probably have been to backtrack, pick up the Sword, and explain the circumstances to Zelda.

Instead, he panicked. He let out a loud yelp of fear and started running, like all the beasts of Hell and their mothers were snapping at his tail, straight to Castle Town and through the castle gates before anyone had much time to do anything besides yelp in surprise. In hindsight, he was honestly amazed at his stamina, being able to keep top speed all the way.

He'd run straight for the throne room, where Zelda's scent was the strongest. He'd slid to a stop in front of her and had started yapping at her to get her to understand the severity of the situation.

He'd only managed to scare everyone in the room except Zelda, who had lost all composure and just started laughing. That more than anything, he suspected, was why the guards hadn't attacked him. Between a monster going bonkers in the throne room and the princess laughing herself to stitches, the latter was closer to a sign of the apocalypse.

Nevertheless, it had hurt his ego.

The ever-mysterious princess had, through her mysterious way, read his mind and figured out what had happened. After calming the guards, mysteriously, she had ordered Link to follow her in the tone one might use when speaking to a dog. To her mysterious study they went.

She had said she couldn't allow him to keep the Master Sword, even though that seemed the only way for him to stay human.

So now he was stuck as a wolf most of the time, unless it struck Zelda that she wanted him human, or the monster infestation in one place or another (apparently, the bulblins hadn't gotten the memo saying their leaders were dead) was too heavy for him to handle in wolf-form and the guards… Well, they were snivelling cowards, anyway, sending them on such a mission would end in fatalities. The wrong ones.

It did have the pleasant side-effect that the citizens of Hyrule (notably Castle Town) became less frightened of the Princess' tame wolf with the human eyes.

Not that he liked being referred to as anyone's tame anything. Although he didn't mind the treats…

Or the extra large cushion-beds (cushions on a stand, to keep the floor from sucking the heat from it) Zelda had ordered made for him to place in whatever area he would be a lot… Which translated to wherever she often was (and one in Kakariko, to his surprise), except for her bedroom, although there was one in front of her door.

He had, at first, resented the treatment. Until Zelda read his mind (he really suspected that was what she did, as she always addressed an issue he was thinking about) and said the alternative was him sleeping on the floor wherever he wanted and risk the guards' deciding he was too feral. Besides, she appreciated his company and the sense of security it inspired.

He knew she was flattering him, and she knew it worked. Damn her.

"You know you love me," she said without looking up from her work, but unable to contain a small, mysterious smile.

Damn her.

**I don't really want to end here, but I can't think of anything else… Maybe I will start a collection in this AU. Whenever inspiration strikes.**

**Please review and tell me what you liked/disliked. ^_^**


	2. In Which Depression has Five Stages

**This officially just became a collection of one-shot/drabbles. Hope you enjoy! =D**

It had taken a long time - five months two weeks and three days, but who was counting? - for him to come to terms with the situation.

He'd gone through all the stages (their names "helpfully" supplied by Zelda). Denial had been treated with a lot of mental ranting and pacing (Zelda had complained that his thoughts were noisy). Anger hadn't looked all that different, with the exception of more snappish disposition (Zelda had, to his annoyance, told the guards to stay well away from him). He'd skipped bargaining for the most part (much to Zelda's obvious relief). Then he'd spend all of three weeks being depressed, eating only the bare minimum and only when it was close to him (a rough three-fourths of what he ate Zelda more-or-less force fed him, even though he only realized in retrospect).

Then he'd woken up one day and realized the situation wasn't going to change.

Just as Zelda had told him to scamper off and take a holiday in Ordon, and that, yes, he could borrow the Master Sword for the duration of his stay. It wouldn't be much of a vacation if he couldn't spend some time with them.

He was just about ready to kiss her.

"Please don't do that, your breath is ever so fearsome."

The bitch.

"You wish," she murmured, then laughed at Link's horrified aghast expression. "Oh, relax, I stay out of your head when you dream."

That was an even more disturbing statement than the first, so he turned, very quickly, and fled with his tail between his legs, much to Zelda's, very expressed, amusement.

She was laughing at him! Not nice.

**Considerably shorter than the first chapter, but… PLEASE review and tell me what liked/disliked.**


	3. In Which Zelda has a Nightmare

**I have this odd habit of writing in bursts. =D**

He didn't know whether he was more disgusted, disturbed or frightened, or what he was disgusted, disturbed or frightened by.

The fact that he'd woken up in the middle of the night knowing Zelda was about to have a nightmare, the fact that he had a pretty good idea what the nightmare was about (now that it had started), the actual nightmare, or the fact that he had just opened the door into her bedroom and was considering the best way to wake her up.

He had narrowed it down to either gentle nudging or jumping up and licking her in the face. He decided on the latter, not so much because it would be the most effective as because it would be the least appreciated.

She almost hit him when she woke up to a wolf's tongue and breath washing over her face. "Almost" because his reflexes were faster than hers and he managed to dodge the blow.

"Link! Why did you do that?" she growled, a very impressive impression (no pun intended) of the sound he made when he was angry.

His tail was wagging.

"You're not being very-" she stopped mid-sentence, blinking owlishly at him as he concentrated on the message he wanted to convey. "I was having a nightmare? Yes, that's right…" she had deteriorated into mumbling as memory came back and shuddered at the end.

He licked her again.

"Nayru damn you, Link! Stop licking my face!" she yelled, scowling at him.

If he'd known teasing her would be so much fun, he'd never have cursed her so much.

"Well, that's good to know, but will you stop licking me?"

No way was he going to stop, now!

He licked her again.

The tension travelling up her spine, as she refrained from tackling him, was clearly visible. "I appreciate your _concern_, but stop washing my face!"

How come the guards hadn't shown up?

She actually managed to slap him as that thought distracted him. "Get out or go to sleep," she growled.

He looked at her, long and searchingly… and realized she was actually still scared.

She didn't comment on that thought, although he knew she'd heard it.

He took a few, slightly wobbly, steps to the other side of the bed and curled into a ball.

Zelda gave him a baffled look, but didn't complain or kick him out, simply laid down herself. "Goodnight, Link." After a short pause, she smiled. "Thanks for cheering me up, but you don't have to compliment me. Don't expect a hug, though."

He didn't, which explained the surprise, though pleasant, he felt when woke up next morning and himself curled up close to Zelda with her arm thrown over his back.

He decided to just go back to sleep and let her wake up to the situation.

**I know there's more to explore in this 'verse than just Zelda and Link goofing together and teasing each other.**

**But it's fun and makes my inner fan-girl bounce excitedly. And it's ever so fun. XD**

**By the way, this gathering seems to have enjoyed some success in it's short life-time, yet I don't know why! No one will tell me, you see? That makes me somewhat sad.**

**So, please, tell me what you liked/disliked before leaving. ;) As FF says themselves, the greatest gift a reader can give is a well-rounded critique. I'll settle for half of one. XD**

**Peace be with you.**


	4. In Which Link Hyperventilates

**Hum… I am encouraged by the love this receives.**

There were so many things about castle life that constantly befuddled him. Such as how no one, not Zelda's maids, not the guards, not the many pages and servants, not one of the courtiers, reacted to Zelda talking to Link as if he were a perfectly sentient being, capable of understanding every word she said and, even odder, able to respond. Which he was, of course, but it was odd that no one thought anything of it.

It was also strange that none of the maids ever questioned why Zelda most certainly did not want to undress with her tame wolf in the room (he was only too happy to leave, he might be a wolf in body, but his mentality hadn't followed suit) when he slept in her bed more often than not these days.

He wasn't quite sure when exactly that had started, though. Of course they had first slept together that night when she'd had a nightmare, then a short while later she'd seemed to have a host of bad nights.

Some so bad that she had cried herself to sleep, nuzzling as far into his fur as possible, or had been too scared to go asleep immediately after that, despite her tear-induced exhaustion, and had gotten up to go for a walk in her private garden, with him trailing along beside her, anxiously glancing at her as she would, spontaneously, start shivering, look nauseous or become edgy.

It unnerved him to see her so unnerved…

That had cleared up, after a while, though, and he could have gone back to sleeping on his cushion-bed, but he knew he'd missed before even trying. There were still some nights when he'd go to sleep in one or the other and wake up in the other with a vague memory of getting up in the middle of the night and wandering to the other bed.

Whenever he did wake up in Zelda's bed, he'd lick her awake, sometimes gently, starting with her hand and nuzzling at her arms and face until she woke up. Sometimes only, though. Mostly he gave her a big, wet, sloppy doggy-kiss, jarring her awake every time.

The best part of waking her up like that was how she'd lash out at him, hissing the worst verbal abuse he'd ever received and trying (but failing) to catch him, either with a slap or by the tail. In summer, he had jumped through the open window (he was perfectly certain in his abilities of catching anyone trying to clamber through, and it really became stifling) and into the gardens, escaping her that way. It had been trickier to escape her once fall arrived, and he'd started to open the door before he would jump back on the bed and go about the morning procedure. But she woke up when he opened the door, so that didn't work…

One day she had managed to wake up before him and had woken him up. By kissing him on the nose.

He'd let out a loud yelp and flown out the bed in surprise, hyperventilating in a corner. She'd laughed so hard she'd nearly blacked, stammering something that could have been either an apology or an explanation of how hilarious his face had looked.

He'd sulked for the rest of the day. Until she had promised to make it up to him and given him a more platonic and foreseeable kiss between his ears, at least.

She had thrown him the bone the next day, both literally and metaphorically. The actual bone had been a delicious treat and the metaphorical bone (boon?) had been a reward to the good citizens of Ordon, for having been of good service through generations and for having sheltered and raised the Hero of Twilight for many years. His tail had been wagging and he'd woken her up gently for a week after that.

Then she gave him another kiss on the nose to wake him up and he forgot everything about being nice to her.

The devil that she was.

**Another chapter! =D I have no idea what I'm thinking 'coz I'm tired! Please review and tell me what you liked/disliked. ^_^**


	5. In Which the Author Blames School

**Hi... I like this AU, I really do... I blame school.**

It was getting to be silly, ridiculous, really, infuriating. Honestly, he couldn't understand what the matter was! Zelda was just being overly paranoid or overly protective or some equal nonsense. Honestly, he hadn't left castle grounds for a month now. It was driving him mad!

"You're pacing, Link," Zelda told him, just barely flicking him a glance. "I thought you wanted to get rid of that habit?"

Was she purposely ignoring the mad swirling of thoughts in his mind? They ought to come out clear enough for her to hear!

Zelda sighed and set her quill down in its inkwell before leaning back in her chair with steepled fingers. "Do you remember that last time you got back from Gerudo Desert?"

Link nodded slowly, trying to think back to that time to find out what could have caused his being grounded. He had done the mission as a wolf, check, he'd not been gone longer than she'd allowed for the mission (it was a safety precaution, so she could send help for him if he was gone too long), check, he'd been quick, discreet and efficient, triple check... Maybe he'd forgotten to bring back a souvenir? He liked to bring her things from around the country...

"You honestly don't remember? Link, you were wounded! You'd run all the way from somewhere in the desert with an open wound on your shoulder and you didn't even notice!"

Oh, was that what had gotten her so upset? It hadn't been a big deal, it had looked considerably worse than it was. And he had noticed it.

Not until he reached Castle Town, granted, but it was the principle.

"It was worse than that, and you know it. It needed a stitching and you were limping for a week after."

Only because she hadn't let him out to hunt down a red chu-chu. Besides, the stitches had hemmed his movements and he'd had to let his shoulder rest after the exertion. It wasn't bad, but wounded muscles shouldn't be exerted more than necessary.

"Link," Zelda groaned in a long-suffering tone of voice. Then, with a heavy sigh, she stood up and moved to sit beside him on the floor. "It might be hypocritical, but...Seeing you come back covered in your own blood... I don't know how I could send you off like that in good conscience ever again."

He licked her.

"Do you want to break the serious atmosphere or do you plan to make me dislike you so much that I'll send you off on another mission?"

She sounded grumpy. She was better off not knowing. She tasted better when grumpy, anyway.

Oh dear, looks like he thought that out loud. Wow, he didn't know a jaw could drop that far.

"I taste better? Really? And you're surprised I'm speechless! Honestly!" She couldn't quite help laughing.

He licked her again, although more cautiously, on the cheek rather than the middle of her face. She should laugh more, really, it was good for her.

"Oh right, because you're so concerned for my well-being. You were trying to drown me in slobber just a moment ago!"

Were they starting to sound like an old married couple? Nah, not yet. They might, though, probably soon.

Zelda chuckled honestly at that and pulled Link into a hug. How nice! "Oh, you dastardly scoundrel! Whatever am I going to do with you?" She placed a kiss between his ears and scratched his throat. "I'm sorry to have kept you locked up like this, I know you haven't been enjoying it. I really just hate thinking about how much you've gotten hurt because of me."

Quite all right, that feels _so_ nice! Throat-scratches were the best! Thank you!

Zelda laughed again and almost toppled Link into her lap where he wriggled with the pleasure of the caress. "You are unbelievable! All right, I give. I'll just have to settle for you being here with me from time to time, won't I? You're an invaluable asset."

He wasn't really paying attention.

"If I'd known all I had to do to make you calm down was give you a belly-rub, I would have done so a long time ago..."

**Quick, irrelevant question: "Telling someone you love them is..."? Fill out the blank, please. I'm curious. You can refer to different kinds of love, if you felt like it... That'd be even more interesting.**

**And that's not just a tactic to get the reviews up... I am as always also interested in knowing what you liked/disliked.**


	6. In Which Link is Prettified

**Hi! Got a spree going!**

How could he have let this happen? Why hadn't he stopped it? Hadn't he seen the signs? Hadn't he realized what it would come to? Why did he let it continue?

"Sit still, Link!" one of Zelda's maids, a pretty, young brunette with a head full of all things pink and frilly, whined. She was tying a bow around his neck.

A pink bow. It so did not fit his colour scheme.

Zelda choked a laugh, and turned away from the proceedings to hide a smile. Or a grin.

He glared at her. Her shoulders started quavering in response. He wished he could even _pretend_ it was with fear. It was probably the effort of containing her laughter. She coughed.

Damnable woman.

"There you go!" another of Zelda's maid, a blonde with a head as full of substantial matters as the brunette, exclaimed excitedly, clapping her hands. "You look so pretty, now!"

So between the pink bow at his neck, the white frills at each of his paws, the other pink bow at the base of his tail, and the sunflower yellow hat tied to his head with yet more pink ribbon he was pretty? Why did he not believe that? And where had they found all that pink ribbon?!

Zelda was holding her breath to keep from laughing.

"What do you think, Princess? Doesn't he look just dashing?" the brunette asked, eyes shimmering brightly.

Link's ears perked. He'd love to see Zelda keep her composure through the spectacle he was about to put on.

She looked over at him just as he tilted his head and let his tongue loll out in a big doggy-grin, tail swishing merrily behind him. Take that, Princess!

She laughed. But it was not the doubled-over, breathless guffaw he'd expected, it was a breathy, light laugh that tinkled quite amusedly. "Oh, he looks lovely! He sure seems to enjoy it, too!"

He would have frozen dramatically, but it might hurt the girls' feelings. So instead he just concentrated on an insult he felt the dear Princess ought to hear.

She had the decency to look a little apologetic when the girls turned back to him.

Link doubted they had a clue who he was, even if reality was the most popular theory. A lot of people had seen a very intelligent wolf (he was smart!) pop-up in the throne room and be readily accepted by the wary princess as a pet, which was already suspicious, only for the wolf to disappear whenever the Hero himself showed up. Some people had put two and two together and arrived at four, others hadn't bothered with the maths at all and just took it at face value. The wolf was a wolf, and the Hero came whenever Hyrule could use him.

Not that Zelda made a point of denying or confirming anything. "Link is Link and Link is Link," was the most straightforward answer she had given when she'd been pressed on the subject.

Well, he knew Zelda had looked into, and made sure there was made a continuous effort towards the goal, of getting him turned back into a human without the need for the Master Sword.

But he knew better than to hope. And he wasn't exactly willing to carry that three-foot lump of solid trouble around with him wherever he went. It was one thing to pick it up whenever Zelda, or Hyrule, needed him as a hero and quite a different thing to wander about with a sacred artefact that seemed to attract problems like sugar does flies.

Zelda clapped her hands. "Now, girls, I'm sure you have more important matters to attend to than playing dress-up with Link."

The two girls mumbled reluctantly, but left the two alone.

Zelda finally broke down, laughing to her heart's content. She finished and wiped her eyes before helping Link out of his outfit. "Oh, dear," she chuckled, rubbing him between the ears. "I don't know how you put up with them!"

He didn't know how she kept from laughing.

"Practice. Years upon years of practice. And tutoring, of course, and far too many situations that could end badly if I couldn't put up a professional front. Relatively, I lose my composure far too often in your company."

Which was either sad or a victory to him. He decided it was the latter.

"Even when it's at your expense?"

If he'd meant it to be funny, then it couldn't be an embarrassment.

Zelda laughed breezily. "That's unusually philosophical of you, Link. Normally you'd just make a comment to the effect of 'it's all good, I get to lick your face off, after all.'"

He wasn't aware he _got_ to do that... He thought he just did it.

"Valid point... Especially since I can't lock the door and you're more than capable of opening it on your own."

Hehe...

"Your mental laughing needs some work."

Bitch...

"I thought we'd already covered this?"

They had, but he was actually ready with a response this time...

"And it just won't do to tell me what it was outside of context?" Zelda had the grace to look sorry for her transgression.

It wouldn't. Where was the fun in that?

She chuckled. "Go for a run, Link. See if you can't beg something from the chef. I suspect she has a weak spot for you. Just look at who always get the tip of the tongue when veal is on the menu."

Link's tail wagged wildly. He was no glutton, but who could resist the temptation of a few scraps of select meat from the royal kitchens?

"No, Link, you're definitely a glutton. But we indulge you." She squatted in front of him with a wide, loving, and ludicrously false smile plastered across her face. "Because you've earned it, yes you have!" In. Baby. Speak.

Link was not amused.

"Too bad, 'cause I am."

Victory.

**Does it show that this was written in three sittings? Is anyone still following this? Would anyone perhaps be interested in telling me what they liked/disliked? Also, I totally had a response for the "you-bitch-you-wish" exchange when I started it this time 'round, then forgot. Suggestions may be up for consideration.**

**For old readers: I changed something. Namely that the maids knew who Link was. That was a daft bit of writing on my part.**


	7. In Which Link is a Horrendous Diplomat

Link was in the throes of a mortal combat, his flashing fangs bared, his throat producing the most vicious of growls as he tore into his opponent.

A rabbit's skin.

In the throne room, not three-feet from where Zelda sat, trying to have a conversation with a Gerudo ambassador.

She was managing rather admirably, only occasionally flicking a glance at the ferocious battle, and that was mostly because the ambassador had yet to look away from the wolf for more than a few flickering glances.

"Link!" she snapped, effectively halting the deadly duel. "Go out, get some air,"

He launched immediately to his paws, balking at the idea of leaving her unprotected.

"Don't be contrary," she said firmly, her head jerking slightly to subtly indicate the guards standing at either side of her throne.

The incompetent fools looked impressive, and that was all they did. Why, give him an hour and he could train any which one of them to be twice as competent, although all that would make him was capable of holding a sword like a sword rather than an overgrown butter knife.

"Out," Zelda said, coldly. "Or I will make you play dress-up."

Link, somehow, managed to gasp in mock horror, chasing his tail a few rounds before picking up his toy and racing out of the throne room-

Only to screech to a halt the moment he turned a corner, lying in wait like the predator he was, his paws beneath his shoulders and haunches tense.

He let out a low, vibrant growl, furious that he could not be beside the princess as she talked to this dusky redhead who had the audacity to come proposing peaceful trade so soon after what –

"Link! If you don't get your tail out of the castle, I'll have it shaved!"

The wolf let out a highly dignified yelp and bolted for the nearest exit, a half-open window in the process of being cleaned. This, as a matter of course, resulted in a mixed pile of canine and servant landing in a big, messy pile in the middle of bush that was in the process of being cut into the shape of a rearing horse.

How exactly Link managed to make a clean break from that was and would remain a mystery.

When he, two hours later, returned to the throne room after having delivered a rabbit to the kitchens, he was dismayed to find it empty of everything but drapery. He immediately set to the second hunt of the day, and trailed Zelda's dearly familiar scent. It took him through many a hallway into the guest wing (where the ambassador's scent split from the princess'), via a lounge, into one courtyard, through the princess' office and culminated with her sitting under a tree in the gardens.

He laid down beside her, cautiously creeping closer until she reached out absent-mindedly and started rubbing him between the ears. "Have you learned anything today?"

That Zelda was more than willing to threaten utter and total embarrassment, even at the cost of his divinely good looks?

"And...?

That freaking out ambassadors could result in him getting a docked?

"I wasn't going to go that far, as you well know. Docking is rather barbaric."

That... She looked exceptionally lovely in this light?

The princess laughed at that. "Flattery, my dear, will get you everywhere! You'd make a natural courtier if only you would stop attacking animal skins."

But they tasted so good! And felt so fuzzy-funny! And it freaked ambassadors out!

"Well, it's the last I'm trying to avoid. I'd rather we could remain on friendly terms with the Gerudo. I mean, where else would we import those beautiful rugs, that you so enjoy chewing to pieces, from?"

They were Gerudo? He could have sworn they were Zoran!

"What, did they taste like fish?"

No, that's just racist.

Zelda snorted. "Says the dog that wouldn't leave me alone with one elderly man just because one of his countrymen wanted to conquer the world."

Link failed to see what that had to do with anything, so he instead reached up and licked the princess on the cheek, getting a peck on the muzzle in return.

He, gently, placed his head in her lap and let out a contented sigh when she kept nuzzling his ears. He was honestly having a hard time imagining how life could get any better than this.

Zelda looked down at the head nestled in her lap, her lips curving slightly and her eyebrows furrowing sadly. "How about you take a vacation to Ordon soon, Link?"

**Whoa, whoa! Were those actually sad overtones near the end? Whoa!**

**Sorry for being gone so long, I blame... My new puppy! She sure is an attention-hog! Much like Link! He would totally die if he couldn't be in the spotlight anymore.**

**Please review and tell me what you liked/disliked. ^_^**


	8. In Which the Author Fails Miserably

… **Don't ask don't tell.**

"_Link?"_

"Woof?"

"_Stop being an idiot."_

"Woof!"

"_I know you resent that, that was the... Oh Din, what am I doing?"_

"Woof?"

"_That just about fits the bill. Where are we going?"_

"Woof!"

"_Home? I was just – Then why did you call me to Castle Town, you –!"_

"Woof, woof. Woof!"

"_I will stop calling you a twit when you stop behaving like one."_

"Woof, woof!"

"_What the devils is DNA and what does it have to do with your insufferable attitude?"_

"Woof..."

"_How... Existentialistic of you? I don't even know." _Snort. _"Anyway, how about you answer my question, for once?"_

"Woof, woof!"

"_What do you mean it's against your religion? That's nonsense, and you know that I know that."_

"Woof."

"_That might be, but that doesn't stop you from being stupid."_

"Woof! Woof!"

"_Oh, all right. Yes, I do love you. Now, please, give me a straight answer?"_

"Woof woof. Woof! Woof, woof. Woof!"

"_You consider annoying people to be keeping them company?"_

"_Yes! Now, come on, Epona! Let's have race!"_

**=D And this has gotten official recognition! In case you don't remember, I borrowed the idea from Snowsheba, who has now read it. Approval!**

**Anyway, I hope everyone guessed that it was Epona way before the end. And liked her somewhat caustic tone... Please review and tell me what you liked/disliked. =)**


	9. In Which Link has a Fan Boy

**I've missed this AU! And I didn't like last chapter either! Well, actually it had me giggling a little, but it was a bit sub-par. Whatever, I'm sure it'll turn out to be somebody's favourite because people are weird and diverse and that's a good thing, so biology teaches us!**

"... and who could forget how absolutely magnificent, indeed, heart-stopping, he was when he freed Lake Hylia from its lengthy drought, which would surely have quenched the land? And _no one_-!"

Zelda, regal and lovely princess of Hyrule, had long since stopped trying to hide the mixture of boredom and astonishment that defined her mood. She rested her head on a hand, leaning overall to the right as the man not so much praised as gushed over everyone's favourite hero and hot topic of the day, Link.

Who just so happened to be lying in a haphazard manner next to her, gracelessly snoring in a way that must have been intentional. Zelda very, very carefully inched her elbow closer to her strategically placed goblet, causing it to just tip over the edge and land squarely on Link's head. The wolf yelped, snorted, sat bolt upright, caught the goblet, and turned to give her a disapproving glare in one, smooth go.

She just smiled at him and daintily picked the goblet from his jaws.

The man hadn't stopped gushing, and it might just be her imagination, but Zelda could swear that he'd started sparkling.

Link, personally, thought he'd showed up in the wrong outfit. He should have been wearing an imitation of his cap and a shirt with the words 'LINK FOR THE WINS!' and '#1 FAN OF HYRULE'S BEST HERO EVAR' and perhaps even 'OMG SQUEE LOVE YOU, LINK!' in the biggest, boldest, brightest letters available.

Zelda had to turn her head to hide her smile and attempt to throw a disapproving look at the wolf. "Link, please stop that, I should try to take him seriously, even if he has bad taste in idols."

Oh, please! As if she wasn't his fan, too! In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if she had the shirt he'd just been thinking of! Ah, he could just imagine her wearing it, with the same partially adoring partially crazed look on her face, eyes all aglow...

Zelda couldn't hold back a small snort of laughter at the thought, and reminded herself to have a lock put on her wardrobe so Link wouldn't get the idea of rummaging through it.

She sat up straight, cleared her throat, and held up a hand to stop the barrage of adoration. It took a good twenty seconds before the man registered the gesture and fell quiet. "I am sure that we are all in agreement that the Twilight Hero is, indeed, a most admirable personality," she ignored the miffed pout the man sported at the, to his mind, most severe understatement, "but this only furthers the question, good sir, what your point is? Surely, you do not believe me unaware of his heroic deeds?"

"Of course not, milady, I just thought it prudent to remind those with less stellar memories," he explained amicably, getting a few hard stares from the people spread around the throne room that had been kept waiting by his long-winded monologue.

"I think it safe to assume that everyone here is quite aware of the services brave Link faced for fair Hyrule. So, please, what do you wish regarding our dear hero?"

Aww, was he her dear hero? That would have been so sweet if it didn't still miff him every time someone thought he was just her pet and put bows and frills and condescending words and mouthwatering treats and he could totally eat a cow and-

"Ah, yes, your Majesty. I think you will find that such valour deserves commemoration! I am here to petition a statue raised in his honour and a national holiday to celebrate when he liberated our fair nation!"

Zelda raised an eyebrow. "I am sorry to say that or valiant hero has already declined the raising of any monument in his honour," Damn right he had! Marble would just make him look fat! "requesting instead that the money such a project would cost should instead go to a worthy cause, such as feeding the poor, granting medical services to the poor, or finding new homes to orphaned kittens." A collective 'aww' went through the room at the last of the statement, as well it should have. Although, in all fairness, Link had added an 'or whatever you wanna' after suggesting the new homes for kittens. "Instead of a statue, then, a fund was started in his name to regularly donate substantial amounts to all of these projects, as well as several others that benefit the people."

Link's jaw actually dropped at what Zelda said, and he turned to stare at her. She'd taken him seriously? And she hadn't told him? How could she not tell him she was giving money to kittens in his name?!

"Furthermore, a substantial reward was granted to all the villagers of Ordon, who helped raise and shape the Twilight Hero. As for the national holiday," she waved a hand negligently, "the council cannot decide on a date. It is either too close to the Festival of Din, too far from the actual date, or on the same day as someone's birthday. But aside from these minor snags, we are very much progressing toward instituting such a thing. Would that be to your satisfaction?"

The man looked as flabbergasted as the wolf beside the princess. "Yes, your Majesty! Most certainly!"

"Good, then. Anything else?"

"Ah, no, your Majesty, that will be all."

"Good, dismissed."

The throne room turned momentarily into a class room, as everyone in it quickly turned towards the exit and started packing their way out, with the exception of a few more sedate people who stayed as they were until the worst of rush had cleared out.

"Well," Zelda muttered, getting up and slipping out of the much smaller door behind the throne for servants and just her. "That was a monumental wast of time."

What in the world was the woman talking about? He'd been gushed about! He hadn't been gushed over in ages! And all because she was in denial.

"I'm not in denial, Link, I just happen to know something he doesn't, which is that you snore and turn into a puppy when it snows."

It was tragic, really, how deep it ran.

"Whatever you say, Link. You're the one who has a stuffed bunnyskin to lose."

He gasped audibly. She wouldn't dare! He wouldn't be able to sleep without Bunny-Munchkins!

**Do note that most of this (*cough*all*cough*) was written late at night, and as I am writing this sentence, I am in fact dreaming of pizza/cat hybrids having a dance off with muppets. It is adorable.**

**Please review and tell me what you liked/disliked.**


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